The emperor has announced plans for yet another new outfit, amid claims that this one will be even more splendid than the last.
Announcing a refreshed and updated version of the emperor’s wardrobe, a palace spokesman declared that this time it was “confident of complete coverage of his imperial majesty – you definitely won’t be able to see the cracks”.
The emperor’s newer clothes (ENC2) build on the success of his previous outfit, the Five Year Fabulous Vestments, derided by some as flimsy and by others as non-existent.
“The FYFV described our vision of the emperor’s wardrobe. It was never intended as an outfit as such, more a statement of sartorial intent. Those who had accused the emperor of being cloaked in secrecy were among the first to complain of too much transparency. When it comes to imperial fashion, it’s impossible to please everyone,” the palace spokesman said.
The new imperial clothing system (ICS) is being fashioned by Simon, a humble tailor with a reputation for stitching up Counting House officials, from a durable material of his own invention known as long-term yarn. This is made from threads of unicorn hair so fine that they fall apart under scrutiny, but which can be used to make dazzling and fantastical garments that appear to last forever when spun with sufficient skill.
The palace has taken the unprecedented step of releasing details of the emperor’s new outfit, which includes a tastefully embroidered topcoat suitable for meaningful collaboration with local authority officials and other commoners, Sustainability and Transformation Pants (STP) – described by the palace as “great strides for taking next steps” – and the Integrated Cod-piece (ICP), an ornate, protective covering for the imperial “place”.
The outfit is completed by patent leather Scalable Shoes built for pace and able to adapt to any footprint, and a magic hat known as the Spending Cap which enables the wearer to do infinitely more with ever fewer gold pieces.
Fashion editor: Julian Patterson