Entwinement: the options

The big NHS story of the year was the news that NHS England and NHS Improvement are to be joined in a partial merger. To satisfy the requirements of a jealous Health and Social Care Act, they will move in together but may not marry. Among the many items to be resolved before the national bodies enter into a shadow marriage is the question of what to call the new entwined entity. Consultants have been on the case considering not only potential names but vital questions of mission, vision and brand values. Here are some of the outputs from the focus groups.   

NHS Improveland

Build your own better version of the health service with the Scale and Pace range of power tools and templates from NHS Improveland, the national DIY superbody. Transform your drab health economy with any one of our tasteful, easy to assemble designs. Just follow the instructions and in a few steps you too could have a luxury-look integrated care system that will impress your friends and keep your neighbours guessing – and for half the cost of a professional job. We tell you exactly what to do to make it work and who to call when it doesn’t. Nothing is our fault.  

NHS Improv

The existing planning system is failing. Welcome to the era of unplanning. NHS Improv will come up with policy that ignores the law and is backed up by no evidence. Organisations reporting to the unregulator will also be instructed to make it up as they go along. NHS Improv will promote a culture of disruptive thinking, active doing and enthusiasm, the triple pillars of unplanning.

NHS Aspire

Inspired by The Apprentice, NHS Aspire will give teams with silly names pointlessly challenging tasks under the watchful eye of minders, before summoning them for a grilling by an elderly male with a bullying manner. Keeps going until all but one of the contestants have been fired and rehired in advisory roles.    

NHS Engroovement

In the search for a new kind of national body we went all the way back to the sixties for inspiration. NHS Engroovement signals a complete change of mission and culture for the NHS commissioning board and the financial regulator. Less target chasing, budget setting, checking up, badgering, reporting and brow beating. More festivals, free love, Hendrix, platform soles and paisley. Organisations on a downer or exhibiting signs of bad karma will be encouraged to go on a three stage journey of personal rediscovery involving tuning in, turning on and dropping out.

Simon’s Magic Kingdom

Everyone loves the NHS but health policy is not always that much fun. The Simon’s Magic Kingdom theme park cum think tank will change all that. If offers a complete policy “experience” including the opportunity to meet some of your favourite health policy characters in a fairy tale setting. Laugh at the loveable antics of the wonks and enjoy a great night’s sleep after the panel discussion. Among the exciting attractions are unlimited previews of the long-term plan and all the old chestnuts you can eat. It’s where dreams are made.  

Editor: Julian Patterson


Reproduced at TrainingPrimaryCare.com by kind permission of Julian Patterson.