Complete Shift

The NHS is planning a major paradigm shift, amid fears that the Five Year Forward View shows no sign of delivering results.

Sources say that NHS bosses and ministers are concerned at the lack of progress and fear that with only 22 months left to go before “the Stevens plan” reaches its fifth birthday, decisive action is needed to restore the faith of staff and the public that something is being done to secure the future of the NHS.

The next and final phase of the Five Year Forward View will be set out in new plan, provisionally entitled Complete and Utter Shift, designed to accelerate transformation. The plan is a tacit acknowledgement that vanguards, STPs, devolution and other initiatives have all been too slow to bring about the changes the NHS needs.  

QED

The solution, a one-time, centrally directed paradigm shift on an unprecedented scale, will be launched next year to coincide with the NHS’s 70th birthday. At the heart of the plan is new digital paradigm relocation technology powered by the imagination of NHS staff, which ministers hope will create the changes Stevens promised, not in months or years, but overnight.

A high-tech consultancy has been hired to adapt the sensitive paradigm shifting equipment, known as the Quantum Enabling Disrupter (QED), for use in the UK. The American-made device was instrumental in the success of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign.

We can do this

An NHS England spokesman said the national paradigm shift would occur on an as yet to be designated date code-named Fab Shift Day. “We plan to harness the collective desire for change in a single 24 hour period when the entire country will come together and literally will the NHS to get better. There will be chanting, singing and free ‘I love the NHS’ badges for all. By creating a simultaneous wave of positivity we can be the change we all want to see,” he said.

The plan rests on a single co-ordinated burst of energy generated by a national grid of change agents, a phenomenon known as a Gigantic Un-evidenced Force Field (GUFF). At a signal from Simon Stevens, the switch will be thrown by the NHS chief transformation officer wearing ceremonial robes made of Post-it notes containing Shift Day pledges.

The GUFF will be transmitted via the Internet to London and then on to the roof of the Nuffield Trust, where Nigel Edwards, Chris Ham and Jennifer Dixon, heads of the country’s leading health think tanks will join hands to receive it.

Towering achievement

The wave of national change energy will pass through the three leaders, melding them into a single health policy superbeing, and focus the concentrated beam of energy on a dish specially installed on the BT Tower, which will relay it in turn to the QED in the basement of Richmond House.

The moment of Transformation is expected to have immediate and profound effects, including widespread public enthusiasm for STPs and accountable care systems, spontaneous generation of several thousand fully trained GPs and nurses, huge efficiency and productivity gains, the release of credible evaluation data from vanguards, elimination of hospital deficits, eradication of waiting lists, adequate funding for social care, wholesale digital innovation, and the integration of everything.  

Thanks be to Simon

The event will be marked by a celebration including prayers led by Simon Stevens, with a reading by Jeremy Hunt and a blessing by Sir Bruce Keogh. Patrick Carter will stand at the door of Westminster Abbey handing out small gifts of cash and certificates to the departing congregation declaring everyone an Efficiency Champion and proclaiming an end to austerity in the NHS.

The board of NHS England will then join the NHS Choir in a medley of show tunes.    

Look out for further announcements including information on how to become a Complete Shift Ambassador on the NHS England website.

Editor: Julian Patterson 

@jtweeterson
julian.patterson@networks.nhs.uk