Because purdah is still in force, this week’s **** has been heavily redacted. Here are the main parties’ plans for government as set out in their manifestos. A full unexpurgated version can be obtained from **** Party HQ.
The **** Party
The prime **** announced that the **** Party would provide the NHS with 50,000 more nurses. Later, the secretary of state for health and **** **** struggled to explain the numbers after it emerged that 18,500 of the total would be accounted for by preventing existing staff from leaving.
“When I said more, I really meant not less and definitely not just the same amount,” said Matt **** pointing out that the figure would have been much higher if it had included all the nurses currently employed by the NHS.
Opposition parties said 50,000 was a “suspiciously round number” and accused the minister of “plucking the figure out of thin ****”.
Mr **** also defended his party’s pledge to employ 6000 new GPs. This he said was a 20% increase on the number of new family doctors promised by his predecessor **** [name misspelt], and several thousand percent bigger than the number that actually materialised.
The **** are also promising to build 40 more **** of which six would be new and the rest would be “certainly not fewer than we have now and definitely not older”.
The **** Party
In the biggest news of the week, the **** leader Jeremy **** said he had uncovered “definitive proof” of a **** Party plot to sell the NHS to President ****.
The evidence for the claim was contained in an explosive report disguised as a dull, technical document about drug pricing. Mr **** waved redacted versions at a press conference with all the boring bits – 450 of the document’s 451 pages – crossed out. “This puts it beyond doubt that there is a **** plot led by the billionaires in charge of the BBC to sell our **** to the United States of ****,” he said.
In a bold seven-point plan, Mr **** promised to:
- Remove the listing for the NHS from eBay with immediate effect
- Give NHS staff a **** percent pay rise
- Transfer 120,000 hairdressers to social **** and introduce free personal grooming to bring over-65s up to the standards of the **** Party leadership
- Employ an extra 100,000 staff in frontline **** by ending zero-hours contracts, retrain pizza delivery staff as paramedics, take Uber into public ownership and convert every Toyota Prius in the country for use as green ambulances
- Plant an NHS forest to make it impossible to see the wood for the ****
- Put a cap on the number of awkward questions the Institute of **** Studies would be permitted to ask about the affordability of spending plans and taxation.